Latex Love for a New Millenium

Writing Stats:Tuesday, July 1, 2003@08:56 p.m.

Okay. So here’s a little story bout a man named Jed…or at least, that’s what we’ll call him. Jed’s been around for about six months, he interned in my Mentor teacher’s classroom before me, and…well…we never really hung out or did anything, he was that guy that the students compared me and the other new intern to for our first 3 months there. It wasn’t until the last month when it was realized we were leaving, that the students gave us our own separate persona’s and attitudes.

Jed’s nice guy, who dated the same girl for 6 years. Towards the end, they didn’t really know what was going on anymore, and he finally dropped the whole thing for my good friend Kara, because they both showed an interest in each other. I pushed it along as best I could…Kara having spent a year on the single playing field as she got over her four relationship with a guy we’ll call Zeke who pretty much took a razor blade to her relationship vein and caused it to bleed all over Michigan as it healed. Kara’s a friend, but it’s made her a bit of a beotch in the man department. Anyway, fate, the fact that Kara’s moving away at the end of July, and poor timing has made this relationship work out. Except for a couple of hang ups on Kara’s end. You see…Kara…she’s got an issue to confront. Jed’s Ex. No, not FedEx the package shipping company, Jed’s Ex, the one he still talks to, the one he went to a wedding with, the one person Kara’s scared to death of.

And who wouldn’t be? You spend six years with someone, learning all their quirks, getting on each other’s nerves, finding out EVERYTHING there is to know about someone, and suddenly you’re with someone new…that person is going to be a little freaked out. Now throw an alcoholic ex-boyfriend onto the baggage train and you’ve got yourself one hell of a vacation!

So Jed’s head over heels for Kara, Kara’s head over heels for Jed. They’re disgustingly cute in public as they give each other puppy dog googily eyes and deny it when you make retching noises in the back of your throat. So to liven this story up a little bit, lets throw sex into the mix.

They’re having fun, as we all have to hear about over Bells Beers in the beer garden of their Kalamazoo Michigan headquarters. When all of a sudden, something’s missing in their relationship. No it’s not the romance, that’s there. Candles? Nope! Still lit. Barry Manilow playing in the background? Of course! Oh Fuck! Where’d the Condom go?

Naturally, Kara excuses herself to go hunt for it, and after fishing for several minutes, still can’t find the damn thing. Jed’s hunting in the bedroom to no avail. They meet in the living room with puzzled expressions on their faces. “What happened to it?”

Figuring it was still her dilemma, Kara reaches for her insurance card only to remember, she’s a member of the real world now, and her health insurance doesn’t kick back in until September. So what’s a girl with no health insurance to do when these things happen?

“Thank you for coming to planned parenthood. How can I help you today?”

“ithinkilostacondom”

“What? I’m sorry ma’am, can you speak up?”

“ithinkilostacondom”

“You’ve got a what on your bottom?”

A look of realization washes over the nurses face. “Ohhh.” She proclaims loudly. “You’ve lost a condom. Sorry hon, but we’re booked solid today, can you come back tomorrow?”

Kara returns home with a pounding headache opens a bottle of wine and proceeds to down it, all while taking jokes from her roommate and her fiancé about giving birth to her latex love child. Jed’s embarrassed as hell, and Kara’s counting the minutes until she can put this whole ordeal behind her.

She returns to Planned Parenthood the next morning, drives past the angry protesters outside. Knowing her she probably flicked one or all of them off. You go Kara. She goes in and attends the obligatory counseling session. The nurse once again laughs at her. “Don’t worry about it hon, this shit happens all the time.”

Kara is still embarrassed as hell. Even more so as she boosts herself into the chair with the stirrups and the doctor goes in there guns blazing searching for the damn thing. After about twenty minutes of this the doctor gives her a puzzled look. “I can’t find it either.”

So what’s the morale of this story? Aside from being a humorous interlude (or mortifying one that you really did say I could publish if you’re Kara!) the morale of this story is easy: Shell out the extra money for condoms with GPS software included. You, your girlfriend, and your girlfriend’s uterus will thank you.