Rhythm of Life Volume 3

the Rhythm of Life is published weekly by David A. Johnson. -=-=-=-= E-Mail Dave: rhythmofdave at aol dot com -=-=-=-=-=-=- AIM Screen Name: d0johns1

VOLUME 3 ISSUE 3 IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST ISSUE EVER WRITTEN! CLICK ON THE LINK ABOVE TO READ TRIALS, TRIBULATIONS, AND TRAVERSE CITY AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF!

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EXTREME KARAOKE by David A. Johnson AND FUCK THAT by Kaylee Whalon

April 25, 2004

EXTREME KARAOKE

So I was going to write about Justin, Kara’s new beau, but with only two issues left after this one, I couldn’t begin the saga now and expect to have it built up enough by the end of Volume 3, so I’ll save it as one of the main stories for Volume 4 coming your way in September/October. The actual start date hasn’t been finalized yet.

Instead, this week, I’d rather take you into the pit of what happened to me this past Friday, and into what’s happening as this issue hits the net.

Dave’s love life has started moving forwards once more.

About a month or so ago, yours truly spent an entire day watching first through fourth graders perform their little hearts out at Odyssey of the Mind’s district competitions, when a girl we’ll call Stacey entered my life. Stacey taught one district over from me in a town named Frankfort. Stacey seemed like the kind of girl I wanted to get to know a little better. Not for the sake of an article, but for the sake of me, because she’s intelligent, funny, beautiful, and seemed like a lot of fun.

Performance anxiety, stress, and meltdowns filled my day, and the kids I was judging were even worse. As we walked back to our vehicles, Stacey waved goodbye, and I thought “You stupid shit! Why the hell didn’t you invite her to dinner!”

So imagine my surprise when a week later, an E-Mail from her entered my school inbox. I was even more surprised when I remember, I never gave her my E-Mail address.

After running it by several people at school, we all came up with the same notion: “Dave, she looked up your E-Mail address and gave you her phone number!!! CALL HER!!!!”

So I did. We were supposed to hang out over Spring Break. Unfortunately, my truck had other ideas, and decided to break free from the oppressive Radiator and Fuel pump that had been bringing it down, and all of my extra cash flow was spent picking up the pieces quite literally, and having new ones put in. I don’t recommend putting a new Radiator in your car or truck unless you absolutely have to.

I canceled that date, but knew I wanted to set something new up, so I did what any red blooded American guy would do, and panicked, not calling or writing for several days until…

“We’re going to have another Karaoke night to raise money for the 8th grade Field Trip” the English teacher on my team informed us at one of the team meetings she actually graced us with her presence for.

The idea was, we were going to promote the hell out of the night throughout the community, so that we’d have incredible turn out from both students and community members.

The problem was, the only day we had the gym free for was in less than a week, and teachers under stress are like shaking a bottle of coke and opening it. We just leave it on the table for someone else to open, besides, it was the English teacher’s job, we were just chaperoning.

Needless to say, I decided to put my heart on the table, and invited her in an E-Mail that went…well…exactly like this. Cut and paste rocks!

“ Don't get too Jealous about me being done with lesson planning. It took several weeks of giving up weekends to get where I am today. I have don't even have a pathetic social life, I have a non-existant one ;)

Well, if you're free and curious, Friday night is Mesick Middle School's Karaoke night, and I'll be there helping out the English Teacher we all hate in the chaperoning capacity...(which last time involved singing about 7 songs with the kids and doing really nothing constructive at all) It's from 6-9 and I'm willing to apologize for my singing by springing for a late dinner afterwards if you're interested! Let me know!

I hope your kids are mellow this week. Mine were today thankfully but I had to flee the building in absolute terror on Friday! I think the mathematical equation that justifies it is something like nice weather = howler monkeys. *shrug* “

So, dazzling her with my self loathing, I was amazingly surprised when I received a response fifteen minutes later saying that she’d love to.

Fast forward a few days, and we’re at the actual day. The kids have read my E-Mail over my shoulder and are all teasing me about the impending date. Not only that, but they’ve promised that they’re going to do their damn best to embarrass the hell out of me.

I scrubbed my classroom down between the end of school and Karaoke day because I wanted to do something constructive…and smell like lemon pine. The hour arrived, and I went out and started letting kids into the gym to belt out three hours of badly sung “Ooops, I did it again”

I hate Brittany Spears, and I hate Karaoke MP3 sites even more because of her.

Stacey arrived an hour into the evening, and we spent the most excruciating two hours of our lives listening to “Oooops, I did it again” followed by “Follow Me” and again with “Oooops, I did it again”.

The kids, the second they saw her, swooped upon us and started falling all over me saying “Mr. J is our favorite teacher” and “He’s been talking about you all day” and “You’re much prettier than the last one.”

I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, instead I told them all they were failing my class and shipped them on their way.

I informed her that I was sorry about the kids, and that I had exactly three shreds of dignity left before tonight had begun and that they were now all gone. She laughed, and we continued to listen to “Oooops, I did it again”

The night FINALLY ended, and we shipped off to Cadillac for dinner. The two of us went to Ruby Tuesday, and ended up closing the restaurant down.

We talked about everything, we talked about teaching, our careers and where we saw ourselves, district budgets, our families, our friends, our social lives, and in all, I think we had an absolutely great time!

When we left, we hugged, and I promised I’d call. The second I got home, J-Mo, the 8th grade Math teacher on my team called me to find out how the night had gone.

Fast forward again through the night and into 1:30 in the afternoon. Dave gets on the phone and decides to call Stacey to see if she wanted to meet for a movie and a dinner on Sunday, which is ideally, where I am now while you’re reading this issue.

So, is there a moral, a point, a reason for me writing this story this week? HELL NO! This week is pure, unadulterated, “I’m finally seeing someone up here” bliss. Ta ta, two issues to go. Next week…the results of Extreme Karaoke, and more! Now for a word from our Kaylee!

FUCK THAT

By Kaylee Whalon

Staff Nail Biter

I meant to get this to you sooner, but as you know, my fingers aren't as fast and snappy as some. My mailing isn't really important at all. it's actually a means for me to sit at a computer and digest the last four nights of my existence. You write about relationships, so i figured that i could vent to you. i guess that i should preface this mail with a stark and firm affirmation that I am NOT meant to be a part of "the world of dating." I'm simply here for other people's amusement and commentary. My role is a small one; however, it's vital for all the fresh blood that know they DO belong to this profoundly twisted threat to sanity - relationships.

I can't understand men. and if i do, then i lose myself, at least a little. i can't understand what happens between the period of 2nd and 3rd date. this is because, ha ha i know, i never make it to the third date. ever. really, ever. there is always something in common with these types of scenarios. and that is the proposition of the "pseudo relationship." fuck that.

OK, let me remind you that the pseudo relationship basically reverts you to a high class whore. the only difference is that "friendship" is translated for money. a real whore would have casual sex and receive a tip in cash, while a pseudo girlfriend will have casual sex and be tipped in a, "I'm just not ready for anything serious, but can we be friends?" fuck that.

I'm not bitter.

Regardless, I'm burned out. i even gave up dating for a while to concentrate on my sewing or some shit like that, but then Kara told me to get out of my silly shell and try the game again (with Zeke). i believe i even said, "fuck that," but after two weeks of persuasion i gave in and decided not to hold such a grudge on humanity. the first date went brilliantly, the second date went "casually," but was there ever a third, noooooooooooooooo. there was of course the inevitable offer - the pseudo relationship. fuck that.

not wanting to make this an issue, i easily moved on to a nice Hoosier named Jo. what do you know, the ones from Indiana don't even give you the courtesy of the 2ND DATE!!! now, I'm left stuck to my chair in fear that if i move out of it i might not find the strength the walk another step. plus, I'm fucking heartbroken. what makes someone like me - a fairly interesting, somewhat attractive, friend-to-the-animals, blinking blond bombshell so appalling to people from the opposite sex. if my destiny is only filled with mid-life gay motor-dikes, I'm in for a lot of hairspray and Bangles. i just can't do that.

They are either in a relationship, or they are too scared and burned from the last one, or they just don't want to commit, or they do-but they just broke up with a bitch who looks just like me, or they say that they want to commit, but are really liars who just want to keep you around for a while. I AM NOT JUST FUN FOR A WHILE, I'M FUN FOR A LONG WHILE, DAMN IT!!!!!!

OK, I'm gonna have to stop this rampage because my blood pressure is making me sweat bullets and it's happy hour. gotta run, but please know i appreciate that you have this mail box for me to write. more than my luggage – Kaylee