Writing Stats:Sunday, August 3, 2003@04:00 p.m.

This week’s issue comes from the vault. Many of you know I’ve been writing these for years and have only recently started publishing them. It’s not that I’ve been having a dry spell, Kara has given me enough stories to fill several months worth of issues for you, but I’ve been so busy I need a break this week. That does NOT mean I’m going to break from my publishing schedule. Between the archives and what I have up my sleeve, Dave will be writing until they shut him down! This is a combination of two Rhythms, which explains it’s length. It’s about me, so we’re going to retire Jed and Kara for a week or two, and it should give my new readers insight into why I don’t really date anymore. Almost all of the dating stories about me end up like this.

For reasons that always escape me until I actually arrive, I wanted to go to the Japan Adventure reunion in Lansing. They’ve always been a way for me to catch up with people that I really grew to care for from what I referred to at the time as, the nine month hell hole.

This reunion and the week that followed it really changed my life. Strike that, it was the week when I realized that everything in my life had changed, and was continuing to do so, only at an alarmingly fast rate.

It was a chance for me to reunite with an old friend who I actually hadn’t even seen since the reunion the past year. Dave Gladding, one of my best friends from high school. Dave was going to stay with me at my parents house…you know the place, it’s the only house on the block with icicles on the inside because my penny pinching father never turns the heat on. So, I brought my warmest clothes, entered my house and found…

It was warm! That was bizarre, and immediately I worried that senility had found a home in my father. My mother explained however, that with the interest rates the way they are, my father saw no need keep the money all piled up in the bank, and had actually started using that new furnace he had installed three years prior.

East Lansing had changed as well, one of those gradual changes you wouldn’t have even blinked at had you not left it. The campus strip was now several stories high, with Gaps, Starbucks, and Barnes and Nobles overlooking the already dirty streets. Evergreen Grill has Valet Parking all weekend, and every friend I have in the town is graduating in May.

I met up with Kim, as I always do, as soon as I hit town, and proceeded to spend a nice evening with her and her parents. Things were different though. Kim was antsy because of how close to Graduation she was, and how long it had been since she’d heard from the JET program about her application for a job in the fall. She was even fuming about her best friend Ann who had already heard, interviewed, and been accepted into the illustrious ranks for the fall. I calmed her down as best I could and left her at her parents house at about midnight wondering what the heck was going on. I had always hated East Lansing, but usually Kim could make me feel better about it.

I met up then with Dave Gladding, and we went cruising until about three o’clock in the morning. We took different roads than we usually did, and the conversations were different. No longer did we have glorious plans for the future, but insecurities about what the hell was going to happen once we passed the last tests in the fall and move out into the real world…for real.

I went to bed that night and barely slept a wink I was thinking so hard.

Which is why it was so hard to wake up in the morning to go out to breakfast at Evergreen with Kim and Dave. The waitress who sat us had no idea who I was, which I was used to, but as all the others started filing in for their shifts, I realized that for the first time, one of them knew who I was.

Bewildered, frightened, I walked into the kitchen, and for the first time in my life was told “Um…sir…you can’t be back here.”

I immediately ordered a Jagermeister shot from the bar, and was told that they don’t serve alcohol at the bar until after four o’clock anymore.

Finally, as we finished our meals and stood to leave, Stacey arrived and gave me a warm welcome home. I nearly lost it I was so happy to run into someone I knew, but for Stacey, this was her last day.

She had graduated in the fall and was taking a job out of state. The bosses daughter, one year older than me, who had been a fixture at the Grill since my first day was outta there.

The next big adventure came that afternoon as I met Kevin in Charlotte for tux shopping. I’m his best man this July and was happy to escape the dawning reality setting in on me in East Lansing, even if my destination was only twenty minutes away by the highway.

He spent several hours looking through the books for the perfect tuxes for the groomsmen, while the groomsmen sat on the benches in disbelief about how boring tux shopping was. You go tux shopping in general, it’s boring. You do it in Charlotte and god help you.

I got back just in time to change my clothes for the reunion, and Dave and I were off, but when we got there, we were told we couldn’t be seated because we didn’t RSVP

So we went to Wendy’s. We were severely overdressed, but we simply whipped out our cell phones and palm pilots and made it look like a business lunch. Never mind the fact that the place was empty, and it was a Saturday night.

We then drove around town for an hour or so, and I caught him up on Rhythm of Life’s 1-67. He caught me up on his own dating stories, and believe me, there weren’t many of them. He was still hopelessly pining over Michelle.

And then, finally, we decided to kill off our memories of the Dating Games in general and get our selves wasted at the after party.

Little did I know that not only would I not be killing off any dating stories, but I was about to enter into an alarming new chapter…attack of the psychos.

Because we had skipped the dinner, Dave and I didn’t know when anyone would be arriving, so we got there so early that we had to let ourselves in through the garage. We grabbed some beer, turned the radio on and sat there wondering when the guests would arrive. When they finally did, we separated and mingled. I ran into Mr. Sjoquist, Jonah from my year’s dad, and he immediately grabbed my arm and led me into Colleen’s kitchen to introduce me to this last year’s crew, the majority of whom went to Western.

Unfortunately enough for me, the beer supply, and everyone from my year who wanted to talk to me, the very first person I was introduced to was a 24 year old…and I do mean old Laurel.

Laurel was pretty, but Brook pretty…the kind where once you start to get to know her, she shifts into an unimaginable demon you have to divert your eyes from to avoid being sucked into the fiery pits of hell. After learning my name she picked up the conversation she had just left with a girl who scampered away at lightening speeds upon my breaking in to the conversation, with me. Apparently she was old, so old that she was already considering retirement and social security benefits. She was used to having money, coming from a rich family, and because she was now just fresh off the Japan Adventure trip, she had none, and her parents were through helping her out.

She delighted in telling me that she used to be able to walk in to any store, and have everyone drop whatever it was they were doing to service her and kiss her ass for however long she decided she wanted to stay there. It was at this point that the horns appeared on her head. I held up a finger to motion that I’d be right back, and walked towards the beer. Unfortunately, Laurel followed me. She continued, saying that she was broke now, and that the people who used to kiss her ass were now kicking it. “Fascinating” I replied, screaming to myself “GET THE PSYCHO AWAY!!!!”

She continued, on and on, until finally, I was sitting on the floor in the other room. She plopped herself right smack down in my lap, and I downed about six beers in a row, trying to make myself stupid or boring enough for her to get her bony ass off my lap. Finally, I just got up to go get a beer. She was still talking about shopping and following me around when suddenly there was a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around and was greeted by Krista. “OH MY GOD KRISTA!” I screamed, wrapping her up in a huge bear hug and pushing her into the other room at the same time. “Get me away from this psycho” I whispered in her ear. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in so long!”

Laurel started to follow, but stopped herself. Thankfully. I have never been so happy to see Krista in my life folks. Suddenly I saw another familiar face, It was Jana’s good friend Jenna, whom I also hugged and pushed further away from the evil one who if my eyes weren’t deceiving me, had just sprouted a tail.

They then both introduced me to the third member of their party patrol that evening…her name was Melanie. Unbeknownst to me at the time, Melanie was a setup in the making. I should have known, when Krista and Jenna took off while Melanie and I took a stroll into the kitchen to get some drinks.

We talked, and had a fun fifteen minutes, before Krista finally decided the party was a bore, and that they should all be leaving. I hugged all three of them goodbye and went back into the party.

I mingled with friends for a few more hours, dodging the evil one who now had horns, a tail, and was growing bizarre scales up her back. I knew it was time to go when Dave could barely stand, and Laurel found me from across the room screaming “Dave…come tell Auntie Laurel what you want for Christmas!” while patting her lap.

“Lets go.” I told Dave, and go, we did.

Stop right there. Lets rewind a little bit, back to that part where I had fun with Melany. Krista introduced me to Melany, and then disappeared with Jenny to let the two of us bond. I was in to her immediately, but it was really a different experience. Maybe it was because I had just listened to a woman drone on about shoes for an hour, but I was impressed with her intelligence and awed by something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

I made her a drink that almost made her vomit (I had one too) and finally, Krista came and informed us that they had to go. Being the gentleman I was, and seeing Laurel eyeing the situation from across the room, I decided to walk them out to their cars.

We lit up and ended up talking for another ten minutes. They left, and I was forced into another two hours with Laurel who appeared to be stalking me at this point. No matter however. I drank myself stupid and called her Psycho to a Woloszyn, which is the equivalent of tattooing it on everyone’s forehead and announcing it on a loudspeaker. I wouldn’t be hearing from Laurel again.

A week or so passed, and suddenly an E-Mail appeared from Melanie. It was a long E-Mail, the jist of which read: I’m intelligent, I’m available, you seem kind of cool. So, I wrote the same thing back, only in lots of words, throwing in the usual getting to know you stuff.

It quickly became that we were writing these novels to each other on an every other day basis. I was excited, she seemed excited, and Jessica? Well, she was on cloud ten, happy that it seemed like I might just be dating someone soon. So what is the next step when you’re talking so often to someone when there’s some interest there? You ask that person out on a date.

It just so happened I was heading to Lansing again the next week to get my new car, my mom’s old Chevy truck, my big white vehicle of death that I love more than life itself. I found myself mentioning that to Melanie and lo and behold, I was suddenly on deck for dinner.

Where did we go? Back to Evergreen Grill. I picked her up in my new truck, and headed out towards the place that I worked at for 6 long years. We had a nice dinner, we talked and I felt like we really hit it off in person, rather than just through our inboxes. What I don’t understand is what happened next.

After dropping her off and heading back to Kalamazoo early, due to the fact that I had to work the next morning, I headed home showed off my new truck to everyone I knew and went to bed. I E-Mailed her and told her what a good time I had had the next morning, and a few days later I received an odd phone call from Lansing.

“Dave? You must have really put some moves on Melanie. She’s already planning the wedding!”

A bit confused I retraced my steps. Had I at any point during the night pulled out a small velvet lined box and just forgotten about it? No, I don’t think so. Had I mentioned at any point that I was looking for more than just casual dating? No. (NOTE FROM THE PRESENT: We’re going to be talking about Signals in an upcoming Rhythm of Life…perhaps I’ll have more insight when I begin writing it.) So what was the deal?

Any guy can tell you, and hell, any girl can tell you as well, that when people come on too strong, it’s a turn off. Suddenly a new E-Mail was in my inbox. It wasn’t that different from the ones that had appeared before, but with at this point three people confirming the fact that there were wedding bells in Melanie’s eyes, it read completely differently than the others had.

I went back and re-read all the others as well. Suddenly I was seeing Melanie in a completely different light, and there was still something there I couldn’t put my finger on, but it didn’t seem like a good casual something anymore, it seemed slightly…unsettling.

I wanted to know for sure what it was, and I wanted to see firsthand if what everyone was telling me about her was true or not, so I finally got up my nerve and asked her out again for the next weekend. This time she was coming to Kalamazoo, and this time it was an overnight thing, because she had nowhere to be Sunday morning.

The night arrived, and Melanie showed up at my door. The plan was, we were going to dinner alone and then she and I were going to meet up with Jessica and my brother who were dating at this point as well. We were going to go to Wayside and just hang out and have some fun.

I knew things had to end halfway through dinner when she told me she could see me as the type of person she wanted to marry. You just don’t say that to someone on the second date, but there was still something more unsettling about the situation. It became clear to me at this point that she was holding something back, I could tell from her body language, and from the things that she’d say that something wasn’t coming through. Suddenly I was wishing for Laurel to return. At least her boney ass didn’t seem quite as unsettling.

I decided to finagle my way through the rest of the night and be the best damned actor I could be. I deserve a fucking academy award for my performance as well. We met up with Jessica and Steven at Wayside, and I danced and drank the night away. One thing struck me as odd however. Strike that, not just odd, flat out STRANGE! Jessica and Steven kept coming over to me going “Dave…you’re really drunk.”

That was an understatement. They couldn’t make long island ice teas strong or fast enough for me that night. What was even odder was what they kept saying afterwards. “Don’t let anything happen tonight.”

I’m not religious, I have too many friends with STD’s and pregnancy scares to let myself even THINK about messing around until you REALLY REALLY REALLY know someone. You can call me what you will, but it’s sound advice to live by. Even drunk they didn’t have to worry, but by the seventh or eighth time they came around to warn me, I was beginning to wonder how good an actor I really was. Did they think I was going to break my one dating rule so easily that some vodka, gin and rum was going to change anything?

Jessica had after party plans, but I was dead tired so I decided to come home, and of course, Melanie came with me, because where else was my “betrothed” going to stay in Kalamazoo? With my Brother? Heck no, he wouldn’t even let me live there for a week or two to apartment scout when I first moved there. Melanie came home with me, I set her up nicely on the sofa the date had gone so poorly, and I went to bed praying to a god I scarcely know that she’d be gone in the morning.

Boy was I wrong. I woke up and there she was studying science, for an important test she had on Monday. We went out for a late breakfast and I assumed since she had that test she’d be out after that to go home and study.

Alas, no.

So I suggested we go see a movie. “WHY WON’T YOU JUST LEAVE????” screaming in my head as I did so. My logic was this: If she says yes, that’s two hours I don’t have to be entertaining or act anymore since I did have a wicked hangover. If she says no, she’ll be on her way out the door in no time.

She elected “Yes” and I’ll never watch Jodie Foster in a suspense film again without thinking to myself “oh god, the date from hell just wont end!!!”

Afterwards we returned to my apartment and she parked herself on my sofa, pulling out the science books again. It was at this point that I reminded her it was getting late and she didn’t want to drive home in the dark. Besides, I needed a shower. She left and I retreated to my room waiting for Jessica to return from wherever she had hidden herself.

About an hour after Melanie left, Jana did return. She immediately grilled me about one thing: “Did ANYTHING happen last night.” I reassured her that while I was a guy, that nothing had happened, and a look of relief washed across her face. Finally I asked her why she was so concerned and she brushed me off. I knew I had to end things just from the experiences I had just had, but I still needed more concrete evidence than I had, other than just a “gut feeling”

Not being one to drop matters quickly, I pushed the matter further and further until that unsettling thing revealed itself.

“Alright.” Jana began. “Do you remember last weeks date, how you left early?”

“Yes.” I replied.

“Well, Melanie went out with Jenny to the clubs and apparently she left with a guy.”

So Melanie was a cheater…that could easily be the thing she was hiding with me. Unfortunately Jana continued. “And there’s more. Well, yesterday, your second date? She apparently went out with Jenny again the night before and went home with two guys.”

Who the fuck was this girl, Goldilocks? Was my porridge “not right?” I was ready to call her then and there and drop the bomb when Jana continued.

“And there’s more.”

What the fuck else could there be? Did she go home and call up the three bears?

“She has herpes.”

BAM! Right there, the reasoning behind my rule. I called Melanie up and didn’t use any of the ammo I had against her, but it was there just in case I had to. I told her that we weren’t looking for the same thing in a relationship. Could we just be friends?

Unfortunately, I’m eternally the dumped, never the dumpER. Melanie turned it around and said “Oh, you thought we were dating? Hahaha, I’m sorry, yes certainly we can remain friends.”

Jumping a year almost two later, I can say I haven’t called, written, or E-Mailed psycho herpes chick since. It’s not just the betrayal aspect, it’s also the fact that she was more than willing to let anything happen, and that had I not been a stronger person, someone on the internet somewhere could be writing about that guy who gave her Herpes.

What did I learn from this experience, and what do I want to pass on to you by sharing it? It’s not a deep rooted moral, but something everyone who doesn’t run net nanny (which apparently blocks my site or so I’ve been told) and can access my site already knows. Blind dates? AWFUL! DON’T DO IT!